a case of the mondays...

ahhh work. it's monday morning. i stayed up late last night. got about 4.5 hours of sleep, which for some people is normal, but not for this kid. i usually go to bed at like 10:30 and wake up at 6:00... and last night i went to bed at like 2:15 and woke up at about 6:45 this morning. ooooh well. what can you do? life goes on.

i just got some coffee and told myself i'd have a lot to do today at work. and i have been pretty productive, actually. i just felt my eyes slowly sliding shut so i decided to take a blog break. i am not surprised that my blog is getting much more posts than usual now that i have a job where i sit inside, in a cube, without a window all day. i like to feel connected to the outside world, even in the small and somewhat narcissistic way of blogging about myself. whatever, i'm pretty sure no one reads this... so it's just like a little release of boredom/thoughts and then back to the grind.

i don't have much to blog about today, though, so maybe i just should have refrained... but i'm not going to. i guess i've been reading wondering a little about the emergent church... and i haven't done much research at all, actually, 'cause i got kind of hung up on researching calvinism... but i was looking on amazon at the book of common prayer, because i think it's a really cool idea, and i came across a shane claiborne version of the book of common prayer. he's a character. at first, i thought i really liked/agreed with what he's like, but it scares me that rob bell is a huge fan of him, and he's clearly defined as being part of the emergent church... his "new monasticism" seems to be quite radical. and i am not against radical, but i am against radical movements that disregard the bible. i guess i don't know enough about new monasticism for sure, but i know that shane claiborne is a huge fan of mother teresa and her beliefs, and mother teresa is quoted as saying that it's no one's job to judge people's beliefs, and that many different religions lead to God and heaven... which is pretty contradictory to the bible. so i don't know much about shane claiborne/new monasticism/the emergent church, but i'm feeling wary.

something to research this summer for sure! rob bell is also on the list, although i heard it's super hard to find a copy of "love wins"... plus i really wouldn't want to buy it because i'm sort of horrified by what the premise of the book is about. so we'll see how that goes.

other than that, i've got a pretty exciting day ahead of me... which includes going for a jog and reading some "crazy love" by francis chan, then probably practicing my guitar, reading some of the book my mom lent me "the lake of dead languages", and then most likely retiring quite early to make up for my SUPER late night last night.

wow i kind of hope no one reads my blog because they probably want to take back the three minutes of their life i just wasted haha.

OH i will say that i watched this documentary called "the bridge"about the golden gate bridge... it's the single site that the most suicides have occurred anywhere in the world. and in 2004, someone trained cameras on it all year and caught many of the suicides on tape, and then interviewed family/friends/witnesses.... it was really sad, but really interesting. that's all i've got.

ok. i'm sure i'll update again soon, since i often get antsy at work.

i'll leave with this youtube video that is aaaaawesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3d_fqDcN1s

It's been way too long...

Oops, I never update this! I just reread a few of my more recent blogs, and I am using the word recent very loosely. I just don't think I'm cut out to be a blogger... but my sister and I said we'd have blogs, so I thought it would be easier just to keep going with this one, even though it's since like junior year of high school (and has about 6 posts)...

Not much has been happening in my life. It is the summer after my sophomore year of high school. I am 19 years old. I have big plans to do not much this summer... working at an internship at an engineering company in my town despite my major being English Education, doing the Insanity 60-day challenge, and reading. A lot. Those are my big summer plans.

Insanity is apparently the hardest workout system ever put on DVDs. So I've got that to look forward to... It's arriving sometime soon. This weekend, perhaps. In which case, the level of dread I will attach to each morning will increase exponentially. I think it gets worse every day... and I will be trying to do it in the morning before work. EW. But actually, I'm excited. I think that it will be a challenge (understatement) and I will end up a stronger (literally and figuratively) person for it. It will be tough, but I'm up for it.

Other than that, my plans are to read a lot of books. I have a project (and a blog about it!) to read 100 classic novels... and so I'm going to try to knock a few of those off the list. And then I also have a bunch of Christian books I want to read. "Crazy Love"by Francis Chan is the first one, and I think it will be arriving in the mail today (along with "Radical" by David Platt).

Speaking of godly things, I think it's interesting that sometime last year, I wrote about wanting to be closer to God, but not being sure how. Well... things worked out better than I could have imagined. Basically, I kept on with my spiritual "drought" until right before Christmas break... December 2010. I don't know what it was, but it all sort of snowballed into me sitting on my bed one night, and I remember just being hit with this question: Who are you living your life for? And I had to choose, then, if it was for God or for me. And I decided to make it about God.

And it's been awesome. No, my life hasn't fallen perfectly into place. In fact, a lot of it is exactly the same. But what matters is what is different. I found so much peace once I started to daily surrender my life to God. And this is something I am still working on, and still trying to perfect (which isn't my job, but I always try to make it my job)... but I am so thankful for the grace God showed me. He opened my eyes to the joy that is found when living life not for myself, but for Him. It's not been an easy or perfect road... I've had to keep reminding myself that my life is not my own, but He's always there with open arms to show me how much better His plan is than mine.

God has been so good this year, and I am so excited to continue living my life for Him, and not for myself. I'm a work in progress, and will be until the day Christ returns, but I'm a work in progress in the right direction, and God has blessed me so much. It's amazing that I was so lost just a few months ago, and I have so much direction and purpose in my life now. That doesn't mean I know what I'm doing with my life. It just means I know that God's doing something with my life, and I'm at peace with that... or at least, I'm letting Him help me to be at peace with that.

Other than my spritual drought ending in God's grace like rain (thank you, Todd Agnew), I also began to get my life in order in other ways. They all basically fell under the umbrella of realizing that I needed to stop living for myself. I began to study not because I wanted to do well in school to be a good student, but because I realized that I needed to work hard at everything in my life for God's glory. And I began to work out and eat right not to lose weight to be beautiful to the world, but to honor the body God gave me, and make it His temple. That's not to say I never eat candy or shirk homework anymore, it's just to say that when you give God your whole life, He changes your whole life. Nothing in my life isn't God's... this has been a great lesson to learn.

So I've lost some weight, gained some knowledge, and been growing closer to the Savior of my soul. Safe to say it's been a good few months.

it's late, the road is long...

i don't know why i decided to put a quote from bilbo baggins as the title. i just love lord of the rings.

right now, my phalanges are freezing and enya is singing "only time" softly... i mean, it's 1:45 in the morning and i have an alarm set for 9:25... which, while on christmas break, is very early.

however, it IS late, and the road IS long...the road back to ames, that is. and i have to be ready for sunday morning. er-- tomorrow morning. ugh ewwww ugh. going back to college is something i am not super excited for.

you know what is crazy? i'm taking five english classes this semester! FIVE!!! i mean, i know it's my major and everything, but goodness.

i was looking at the 18 books i had to buy off amazon today...and there are 3 more coming.

the classes i am taking are:

english literature of the renaissance

english literature of the classical/romantic period

intro to linguistics

the teaching of youth lit

creative writing: poetry

i am excited...but nervous.

about 8 of the books are youth lit that i'll have to read for the class.

maybe five of them are poetry books.

there are like four for the classical lit class so far.

and just one lonely one for linguistics

and two for renaissance.

but there are three more coming...so i'm not worried. linguistics will probably get backup.

this is boring, but i am a little nervous about next semester. it is going to be SO much reading and writing!! woah.... and, on top of that, i'm going to try to become employed. so i actually have an income. being a starving artist...(or at least getting the same wages as a starving artist) wasn't as romantic as i thought it would be. mostly i just learned that i didn't value my money the way i should have... as in i threw it out the window on a whim all the time. dumb. should have saved it for "the semester of no cash flow" as i like to call last semester.

oh man, college is just wayyy different from high school.

but i like it.

it feels just a teeeeeeeeny bit more like real life.

well. it is late, and the road is long. and i have miles to go before i sleep. and never tell anybody anything, if you do you start missing everybody. and to thine own self be true. and a bunch of other random allusions to famous literature i can't think of right now.

good night. God bless you, every one. =]

jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I know that Bible verses aren't cliche...but how about popular? Not overused, because I don't think you can overuse God's word...but what about always on posters, pictures, mugs, shirts, etc etc etc within the Christian community?

This, I think, is how Jeremiah 29:11 is. Everyone loves Jeremiah 29:11. And sometimes, being the indie kid I am, I think to myself, "I need to like more obscure Bible verses so I don't look like a softcore Christian." Well that's just wrong. Because a) not one verse in the Bible is less "cool" than others, and b) who cares how I look? If that's my motivation, I'm doing it all wrong anyway.

Besides that, let's talk about Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that most Christians can't go very far without knowing.

This week, I was really frustrated by my lack of boyfriend, (which happens a lot, I assure you)...and I was really just angry when I went to bed. I was lying in my loft, staring at the ceiling (two feet above my head), and wondering why I don't have a boyfriend...just asking God why I couldn't have someone to pick me and think I was special and love me unconditionally.

Then two thoughts hit me: 1. I do have someone to do those things, His name is Jesus. 2. Jeremiah 29:11-- God knows the plans He has for me...God knows when what will happen, and His plan is infinitely better than mine.

People talk about vulnerability and how it's so hard to trust another person with your life and blah blah blah...I think it's harder to trust God with your entire life because you're just a liiiiiittle too selfish to let it go. Like, I'll give the parts of my life I don't like to him, but I'd like to keep the parts I think I've got under control. Wrong.

That's the catch with Jeremiah 29:11. God has these plans for you and they give you hope and a future (two words that are so amazing in this context)....but you have to let Him do it. You can't cling onto your plans with everything you got and say, "okay, God...anytime now."

Let go.

This is something that I am saying, but not saying I have accomplished. Not by any means. The past few days, I've been waking up, commiserating about a boy who I like, and then reminding myself that even if it ends up he doesn't care at all about me....God's got it. And I then try to give it back to God. Give him all that, 'cause His plan, his future husband for me, and His love is wayyy better than mine.

That's all I've got.

the times, they are a changin'

i like bob dylan a lot this week; thus the title. his way with words is incredible. i don't care what anyone says about his voice-- i love it. he's awesome.

really, i'm not sure what i'll write about. i kind of like being able to do this. i know that no one reads my blog, and i'm okay with that, because it's still a form of release for me. so it's nice to have.

i guess i'll start rambling.

what should this one be about? maybe it will be about what i talked to my dear friend mel about last night.

we were talking about how we really wanted boyfriends, and she said, "well i know i have to be in love with God first, before I can be in love with anyone else."

i thought this was interesting. i have heard that phrase before, but i am just unsure of what it means or how you go about doing it. it may seem like i don't have my head in the game, having been a Christ-follower practically my whole life.

actually, i think the fact that i've been one my whole life may be part of the problem. it's so easy to take it for granted. i'm not saying i wish that i could have this horrible past and then a great story about finding God, but sometimes I wonder if that would make having crazystrong faith easier...

whenever we did evangelizing things in my youth group, my youth pastor would always say "don't think that your testimony is boring. no one's testimony is ever boring." but as much as i tried to believe him, it was hard. i mean here it is: born into a Christian family. became a "Christian" at age four. rededicated slash made my faith my own at age 14...and that's about it.

Honestly, i haven't been super on fire for God since age fourteen...and I am 18 now. that seems quite a while. in fact, that IS quite a while.

and as much as i'll sometimes really try to change it...you know, read my bible every night and try to be praying more and focusing not on myself but furthering God's kingdom, it's hard. and i haven't gotten back into the "Swing of things" for a loooong time. i know that the best thing to do is keep trying, (or more accurately, START trying again)...but it's the lack of motivation at this point that is killing me. i'm sure that Satan's way of keeping me from reconnecting with God. i just need to rely on God to get me through this sort of spiritual drought.

i figured that once i went to college, my life would sort of fall into place. i'd have a boyfriend, i'd love my classes, and i'd be really on fire for God. i am miserably single, i find my schoolwork most of the time uninteresting and arduous, and i haven't felt really compelled by God since 8th grade...how pathetic does it all sound, strung together like that?

but i suppose that mel was right. i mean, why should i expect to find this amazing, God-fearing boyfriend when i am not being the amazing, God-fearing girlfriend that i'd want HIM to want? it doesn't add up. but it sure is harder to admit that i have to do something than just think that God's not revealing my future husband to me yet.

i really dislike it when people say, "oh, i'll have the right boy when God reveals him to me." or whatever it is people say like that. i know that it is wrong of me to always judge statements like that so harshly. i just always catch myself thinking that maybe God is waiting for YOU to stand up, be the person He intended you to be, and then He'll make the next move. we can't just passively live our lives...some of our lives involve action! i don't know. this paragraph is a jumble, and if anyone actually did read this blog, it would probably sound so judgmental. but that's not what i meant. i don't really know exactly what i meant.

i just know that i think i need to get a little more assertive...hmmm...is that the right word? how about this: i need to get a little less passive about my life, and then God will show me what to do. i can't expect Him to spoon feed me everything when I'm perfectly capable of doing what i know i should do.

much easier said than done, but hopefully i've made progress when i write next.

til next time,

leah

oops, i got obsessed again.

so i don't know if i'm the only one who does this...actually i know that i'm not the only one who does this.... by this meaning getting weirdly obsessed with something random.
not like SUPER random...but random.

for instance, in may of this year i was very obsessed with ayn rand and objectivism and being a super conservative and all that. and i am not saying i have since abandoned my political beliefs, i have just toned them down. they usually get people into arguments, and i am not very good at winning those...so i try to stay out of them. plus, they're not very fun. (this sort of makes me sound like i don't stand up for what i believe in...this is untrue. i just try not to force my opinions on others unless they ask)

this summer i was reaaaaaaally obsessed with clair de lune. clair de lune was the only song (piece?) i would listen to. i decided that there literally is no more beautiful sound than those keys resonating so peacefully...sad and hopeful.

oh! and there was that time junior year i only listened to girl singers. all of the sudden, i wanted all girl voices bouncing around the tiny cabin of antoine, my saturn. i liked a fine frenzy and regina spektor and ingrid michaelson and feist and fiona apple and imogen heap and schuyler fisk and NO boys.

but all of these things i have gotten over. except for perhaps clair de lune...it's my number one most played...with 396 plays since august when i had to restart my itunes.

anyway...i try not to get too focused on stuff because sometimes that's all that occupies my thoughts...and i was doing REALLY well until thursday of last week.

that's when i went to see "dear jack", a documentary about andrew mcmahon of jack's mannequin and something corporate, who happened to get leukemia at age 22...get very sick, and then beat it.

now i have always loved both soco and jack's man, but i was enthralled...captivated even, by andrew and his attitude about his sickness, and the story. it was both a story of cancer and a story of love. it was beautiful.

needless to say, since thursday i have secured myself a ticket to a jack's mannequin concert in february, listened to ONLY jack's man and soco, practiced (Very badly, very slowly, very painstakingly) playing a few jack's songs on the big, lovely piano in the den of our dorm, and thought nonstop about the documentary, the songs, and andrew.

why does this happen to me? i don't know. i think, as i said before, it happens to everyone. it's just so hard sometimes to say "ok...that's enough, leah. that's enough. sloooooow down, there."

because it's so fun. or all-consuming or something. stopping would be such a "buzz-kill" ( i think that's the correct use of that phrase...i haven't mastered it yet)

but, i guess that when talking about how i often get obsessed with things...i should remember what woody allen says,
"it's like anything else"

for the first time in a long time

Woah, I haven't updated this thing for ages! I think it goes back to the whole it's-homework-so-I-don't-want-to-do-it kind of thing.
But now that it's no longer homework, I might just have fun with it!

I don't even know what to write about! Hmmm....I guess I recently started my freshman year at college. That's kind of a milestone. Yes, I think I'll write about that.

College. This word has a lot of connotations, especially for high school seniors. All that I wanted by the end of my senior year was no more questions about college. This is no one's fault, it's just so overwhelming by the time you've gotten asked about college for the 20,349,820,394,820,394,802,348th time.

Seriously, the most common questions you'll get your senior year:
-What college are you going to go to?
-What will you major in?
-What type of job do you hope to get after college?

I think the thing that I hated the most about these questions was that after a while, all the questions seemed to really be asking was, "Plan your life right now--what will it be?".
I got so freaked out, just thinking that I had to be able to know exactly what I wanted to be when I "grew up" and how I wanted my life to go...it was getting so scary!

When I didn't get into my first choice college, I was crushed. Well, now I was REALLY not going to get my future to do what I wanted it to. And I was NOT happy about this. I was so sad and hurt and lost when I didn't get to go to the college I had been planning on for months and months.

And then, you know what happened? It's really quite a simple concept, I had just somehow overlooked it. It was kind of a dumb thing to overlook, but I did indeed overlook it.
It's called God's plan.

I know, I know, people always use God as a scapegoat for things not going their way or not getting into something or breaking up with someone. And I hate that. But that's not what I'm doing.

I am saying that I had been trying so hard, relying on myself and myself alone to figure out my future and plans. And why was I doing that? Because as a human being, I thought that I needed to. But I had sort of forgotten something important.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

.....oh yeah, God.

Why is it that we can so easily overlook God and His plans for our lives? He is the only reason we are alive and the only reason we should live, and we get so busy planning our lives for ourselves, not looking back at Him once.

I think the answer is probably something along the lines of the fact that we are sinful humans, and we are prone to error, and we are selfish. We don't want to relinquish something as scary as our ENTIRE lives (past, present, and future) to God. We just want to give Him some stuff.

No no. That's not how it works.
I had been praying and praying and praying that I would get into my first choice. I had not been praying that God would show me what He wanted me to do; where He wanted me to go.

When I realized this one day in early May, after receiving the crushing blow of a rejection letter, I immediately felt God's "peace that passes all understanding". Duh. This isn't my plan. It's infinitely better. It's God's.

I know this isn't directly related to college life...but this is where I ended up. So that's that.

I encourage high school seniors to stop trying to figure out their lives and futures all on their own. Don't feel like you are. God has a perfect plan for your life, and as hard as it is to believe, it's a lot better than yours.

That's all I've got for now.