the times, they are a changin'

i like bob dylan a lot this week; thus the title. his way with words is incredible. i don't care what anyone says about his voice-- i love it. he's awesome.

really, i'm not sure what i'll write about. i kind of like being able to do this. i know that no one reads my blog, and i'm okay with that, because it's still a form of release for me. so it's nice to have.

i guess i'll start rambling.

what should this one be about? maybe it will be about what i talked to my dear friend mel about last night.

we were talking about how we really wanted boyfriends, and she said, "well i know i have to be in love with God first, before I can be in love with anyone else."

i thought this was interesting. i have heard that phrase before, but i am just unsure of what it means or how you go about doing it. it may seem like i don't have my head in the game, having been a Christ-follower practically my whole life.

actually, i think the fact that i've been one my whole life may be part of the problem. it's so easy to take it for granted. i'm not saying i wish that i could have this horrible past and then a great story about finding God, but sometimes I wonder if that would make having crazystrong faith easier...

whenever we did evangelizing things in my youth group, my youth pastor would always say "don't think that your testimony is boring. no one's testimony is ever boring." but as much as i tried to believe him, it was hard. i mean here it is: born into a Christian family. became a "Christian" at age four. rededicated slash made my faith my own at age 14...and that's about it.

Honestly, i haven't been super on fire for God since age fourteen...and I am 18 now. that seems quite a while. in fact, that IS quite a while.

and as much as i'll sometimes really try to change it...you know, read my bible every night and try to be praying more and focusing not on myself but furthering God's kingdom, it's hard. and i haven't gotten back into the "Swing of things" for a loooong time. i know that the best thing to do is keep trying, (or more accurately, START trying again)...but it's the lack of motivation at this point that is killing me. i'm sure that Satan's way of keeping me from reconnecting with God. i just need to rely on God to get me through this sort of spiritual drought.

i figured that once i went to college, my life would sort of fall into place. i'd have a boyfriend, i'd love my classes, and i'd be really on fire for God. i am miserably single, i find my schoolwork most of the time uninteresting and arduous, and i haven't felt really compelled by God since 8th grade...how pathetic does it all sound, strung together like that?

but i suppose that mel was right. i mean, why should i expect to find this amazing, God-fearing boyfriend when i am not being the amazing, God-fearing girlfriend that i'd want HIM to want? it doesn't add up. but it sure is harder to admit that i have to do something than just think that God's not revealing my future husband to me yet.

i really dislike it when people say, "oh, i'll have the right boy when God reveals him to me." or whatever it is people say like that. i know that it is wrong of me to always judge statements like that so harshly. i just always catch myself thinking that maybe God is waiting for YOU to stand up, be the person He intended you to be, and then He'll make the next move. we can't just passively live our lives...some of our lives involve action! i don't know. this paragraph is a jumble, and if anyone actually did read this blog, it would probably sound so judgmental. but that's not what i meant. i don't really know exactly what i meant.

i just know that i think i need to get a little more assertive...hmmm...is that the right word? how about this: i need to get a little less passive about my life, and then God will show me what to do. i can't expect Him to spoon feed me everything when I'm perfectly capable of doing what i know i should do.

much easier said than done, but hopefully i've made progress when i write next.

til next time,

leah