jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I know that Bible verses aren't cliche...but how about popular? Not overused, because I don't think you can overuse God's word...but what about always on posters, pictures, mugs, shirts, etc etc etc within the Christian community?

This, I think, is how Jeremiah 29:11 is. Everyone loves Jeremiah 29:11. And sometimes, being the indie kid I am, I think to myself, "I need to like more obscure Bible verses so I don't look like a softcore Christian." Well that's just wrong. Because a) not one verse in the Bible is less "cool" than others, and b) who cares how I look? If that's my motivation, I'm doing it all wrong anyway.

Besides that, let's talk about Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that most Christians can't go very far without knowing.

This week, I was really frustrated by my lack of boyfriend, (which happens a lot, I assure you)...and I was really just angry when I went to bed. I was lying in my loft, staring at the ceiling (two feet above my head), and wondering why I don't have a boyfriend...just asking God why I couldn't have someone to pick me and think I was special and love me unconditionally.

Then two thoughts hit me: 1. I do have someone to do those things, His name is Jesus. 2. Jeremiah 29:11-- God knows the plans He has for me...God knows when what will happen, and His plan is infinitely better than mine.

People talk about vulnerability and how it's so hard to trust another person with your life and blah blah blah...I think it's harder to trust God with your entire life because you're just a liiiiiittle too selfish to let it go. Like, I'll give the parts of my life I don't like to him, but I'd like to keep the parts I think I've got under control. Wrong.

That's the catch with Jeremiah 29:11. God has these plans for you and they give you hope and a future (two words that are so amazing in this context)....but you have to let Him do it. You can't cling onto your plans with everything you got and say, "okay, God...anytime now."

Let go.

This is something that I am saying, but not saying I have accomplished. Not by any means. The past few days, I've been waking up, commiserating about a boy who I like, and then reminding myself that even if it ends up he doesn't care at all about me....God's got it. And I then try to give it back to God. Give him all that, 'cause His plan, his future husband for me, and His love is wayyy better than mine.

That's all I've got.

the times, they are a changin'

i like bob dylan a lot this week; thus the title. his way with words is incredible. i don't care what anyone says about his voice-- i love it. he's awesome.

really, i'm not sure what i'll write about. i kind of like being able to do this. i know that no one reads my blog, and i'm okay with that, because it's still a form of release for me. so it's nice to have.

i guess i'll start rambling.

what should this one be about? maybe it will be about what i talked to my dear friend mel about last night.

we were talking about how we really wanted boyfriends, and she said, "well i know i have to be in love with God first, before I can be in love with anyone else."

i thought this was interesting. i have heard that phrase before, but i am just unsure of what it means or how you go about doing it. it may seem like i don't have my head in the game, having been a Christ-follower practically my whole life.

actually, i think the fact that i've been one my whole life may be part of the problem. it's so easy to take it for granted. i'm not saying i wish that i could have this horrible past and then a great story about finding God, but sometimes I wonder if that would make having crazystrong faith easier...

whenever we did evangelizing things in my youth group, my youth pastor would always say "don't think that your testimony is boring. no one's testimony is ever boring." but as much as i tried to believe him, it was hard. i mean here it is: born into a Christian family. became a "Christian" at age four. rededicated slash made my faith my own at age 14...and that's about it.

Honestly, i haven't been super on fire for God since age fourteen...and I am 18 now. that seems quite a while. in fact, that IS quite a while.

and as much as i'll sometimes really try to change it...you know, read my bible every night and try to be praying more and focusing not on myself but furthering God's kingdom, it's hard. and i haven't gotten back into the "Swing of things" for a loooong time. i know that the best thing to do is keep trying, (or more accurately, START trying again)...but it's the lack of motivation at this point that is killing me. i'm sure that Satan's way of keeping me from reconnecting with God. i just need to rely on God to get me through this sort of spiritual drought.

i figured that once i went to college, my life would sort of fall into place. i'd have a boyfriend, i'd love my classes, and i'd be really on fire for God. i am miserably single, i find my schoolwork most of the time uninteresting and arduous, and i haven't felt really compelled by God since 8th grade...how pathetic does it all sound, strung together like that?

but i suppose that mel was right. i mean, why should i expect to find this amazing, God-fearing boyfriend when i am not being the amazing, God-fearing girlfriend that i'd want HIM to want? it doesn't add up. but it sure is harder to admit that i have to do something than just think that God's not revealing my future husband to me yet.

i really dislike it when people say, "oh, i'll have the right boy when God reveals him to me." or whatever it is people say like that. i know that it is wrong of me to always judge statements like that so harshly. i just always catch myself thinking that maybe God is waiting for YOU to stand up, be the person He intended you to be, and then He'll make the next move. we can't just passively live our lives...some of our lives involve action! i don't know. this paragraph is a jumble, and if anyone actually did read this blog, it would probably sound so judgmental. but that's not what i meant. i don't really know exactly what i meant.

i just know that i think i need to get a little more assertive...hmmm...is that the right word? how about this: i need to get a little less passive about my life, and then God will show me what to do. i can't expect Him to spoon feed me everything when I'm perfectly capable of doing what i know i should do.

much easier said than done, but hopefully i've made progress when i write next.

til next time,

leah

oops, i got obsessed again.

so i don't know if i'm the only one who does this...actually i know that i'm not the only one who does this.... by this meaning getting weirdly obsessed with something random.
not like SUPER random...but random.

for instance, in may of this year i was very obsessed with ayn rand and objectivism and being a super conservative and all that. and i am not saying i have since abandoned my political beliefs, i have just toned them down. they usually get people into arguments, and i am not very good at winning those...so i try to stay out of them. plus, they're not very fun. (this sort of makes me sound like i don't stand up for what i believe in...this is untrue. i just try not to force my opinions on others unless they ask)

this summer i was reaaaaaaally obsessed with clair de lune. clair de lune was the only song (piece?) i would listen to. i decided that there literally is no more beautiful sound than those keys resonating so peacefully...sad and hopeful.

oh! and there was that time junior year i only listened to girl singers. all of the sudden, i wanted all girl voices bouncing around the tiny cabin of antoine, my saturn. i liked a fine frenzy and regina spektor and ingrid michaelson and feist and fiona apple and imogen heap and schuyler fisk and NO boys.

but all of these things i have gotten over. except for perhaps clair de lune...it's my number one most played...with 396 plays since august when i had to restart my itunes.

anyway...i try not to get too focused on stuff because sometimes that's all that occupies my thoughts...and i was doing REALLY well until thursday of last week.

that's when i went to see "dear jack", a documentary about andrew mcmahon of jack's mannequin and something corporate, who happened to get leukemia at age 22...get very sick, and then beat it.

now i have always loved both soco and jack's man, but i was enthralled...captivated even, by andrew and his attitude about his sickness, and the story. it was both a story of cancer and a story of love. it was beautiful.

needless to say, since thursday i have secured myself a ticket to a jack's mannequin concert in february, listened to ONLY jack's man and soco, practiced (Very badly, very slowly, very painstakingly) playing a few jack's songs on the big, lovely piano in the den of our dorm, and thought nonstop about the documentary, the songs, and andrew.

why does this happen to me? i don't know. i think, as i said before, it happens to everyone. it's just so hard sometimes to say "ok...that's enough, leah. that's enough. sloooooow down, there."

because it's so fun. or all-consuming or something. stopping would be such a "buzz-kill" ( i think that's the correct use of that phrase...i haven't mastered it yet)

but, i guess that when talking about how i often get obsessed with things...i should remember what woody allen says,
"it's like anything else"

for the first time in a long time

Woah, I haven't updated this thing for ages! I think it goes back to the whole it's-homework-so-I-don't-want-to-do-it kind of thing.
But now that it's no longer homework, I might just have fun with it!

I don't even know what to write about! Hmmm....I guess I recently started my freshman year at college. That's kind of a milestone. Yes, I think I'll write about that.

College. This word has a lot of connotations, especially for high school seniors. All that I wanted by the end of my senior year was no more questions about college. This is no one's fault, it's just so overwhelming by the time you've gotten asked about college for the 20,349,820,394,820,394,802,348th time.

Seriously, the most common questions you'll get your senior year:
-What college are you going to go to?
-What will you major in?
-What type of job do you hope to get after college?

I think the thing that I hated the most about these questions was that after a while, all the questions seemed to really be asking was, "Plan your life right now--what will it be?".
I got so freaked out, just thinking that I had to be able to know exactly what I wanted to be when I "grew up" and how I wanted my life to go...it was getting so scary!

When I didn't get into my first choice college, I was crushed. Well, now I was REALLY not going to get my future to do what I wanted it to. And I was NOT happy about this. I was so sad and hurt and lost when I didn't get to go to the college I had been planning on for months and months.

And then, you know what happened? It's really quite a simple concept, I had just somehow overlooked it. It was kind of a dumb thing to overlook, but I did indeed overlook it.
It's called God's plan.

I know, I know, people always use God as a scapegoat for things not going their way or not getting into something or breaking up with someone. And I hate that. But that's not what I'm doing.

I am saying that I had been trying so hard, relying on myself and myself alone to figure out my future and plans. And why was I doing that? Because as a human being, I thought that I needed to. But I had sort of forgotten something important.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

.....oh yeah, God.

Why is it that we can so easily overlook God and His plans for our lives? He is the only reason we are alive and the only reason we should live, and we get so busy planning our lives for ourselves, not looking back at Him once.

I think the answer is probably something along the lines of the fact that we are sinful humans, and we are prone to error, and we are selfish. We don't want to relinquish something as scary as our ENTIRE lives (past, present, and future) to God. We just want to give Him some stuff.

No no. That's not how it works.
I had been praying and praying and praying that I would get into my first choice. I had not been praying that God would show me what He wanted me to do; where He wanted me to go.

When I realized this one day in early May, after receiving the crushing blow of a rejection letter, I immediately felt God's "peace that passes all understanding". Duh. This isn't my plan. It's infinitely better. It's God's.

I know this isn't directly related to college life...but this is where I ended up. So that's that.

I encourage high school seniors to stop trying to figure out their lives and futures all on their own. Don't feel like you are. God has a perfect plan for your life, and as hard as it is to believe, it's a lot better than yours.

That's all I've got for now.